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Scrambled thoughts of Anxiety Pt. 1

I've touched on my social anxiety before. But I've noticed that the longer I'm laid off, the worse it's getting. Not just going out and being social, because we can't really do that anyway with the pandemic going on, but, just stepping outside my apartment; other than to feed the cats. I open my door every day to let fresh air in and to make it seem not so confined and I almost always leave it open until I go to bed (which is not until 3 or 4 am sometimes).


For a while, I was making myself go for walks. I wanted to get in the habit of going on walks twice day. But seeing as how I don't usually go to bed till after 3am, I don't usually get up until after noon. Even in that brief period when I first started blogging and was actually going to bed at a decent time and waking up before noon, I was focusing on my writing right when I woke up. So I wasn't ready to go for walks until about 3pm or so. Now with the time change and it getting dark early, I definitely can't be going for walks after 4pm (also, I don't live in the best neighborhood). Then about two months ago, I injured my heel. Now I can't walk for long periods of time like I used to. For a while I couldn't walk at all.


I actually had a few invites to Thanksgiving dinner, probably out of pity, but still. For the past several years, I've been staying home by myself for Thanksgiving. I've worked in freight all my life and we used to work the day after Thanksgiving. Not sure why, it was always completely dead. We'd literally just sit there all day doing nothing, but they'd still make us come in. So instead of driving all the way out to see my mom and Granny on Thanksgiving and having to drive back the same day, I would just go Friday after work. Plus football is on and I want to be able to watch that and not get home so late.


This year, even though I didn't have to work, I still stayed home. I just didn't feel like driving and being around people. I never feel like being around people. And I feel so guilty about that. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. But the truth is, if I could stay in my apt for the rest of my life and never see anyone else again, I'd probably be ok with that. I do have people who I want to see (a small select group of family and friends). But just the thought of having to get dressed, leave my apartment, drive to where I need to be and actually interact with people is exhausting. Just thinking about it overwhelms me. I used to use Whitey as an excuse to get out of social situations, but now she's gone.


I've always been "shy" and "antisocial" as a kid, but I never would have imagined I'd be middle aged and afraid to go outside. I don't even know if afraid is the correct word. I'm not scared of anything in particular. I just get this overwhelming sense of panic when I think about it. And I feel like a pathetic fucking loser when I say it out loud or write about it because I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's not logical. But I can't help it. I can't control it. The thoughts get in my head and take over everything and it's so scrambled that it's difficult to even explain. I'm just going to give an example of what goes through my head when I think about leaving my apartment in the following paragraph. It's most likely not going to make sense to you because it rarely makes sense to me. Also, when I talk to myself in my head (and out loud), sometimes I say "I" and sometimes I say "You" yes, I have conversations with myself . . . doesn't everyone?


I should go to the store today. You don't really need to go to the store. There's nothing I really need right now. I didn't go to the store last Tuesday, Tuesday is my designated going to the store say since being laid off, so I should go today. But I really don't want to and I don't think I really need to. I kinda need potatoes, I want to make potato soup. But am I going to make it any time soon? My fridge is full so if I make it I won't have anywhere to put it. But I should get the potatoes for when I do want to make it. I really need to not spend money since I'm not working right now. I just opened the bag of cat food. I should buy another one to keep in my Jeep. You don't need it at this very moment. I probably won't even need it for a couple weeks but I need to buy one so that I have it when I do need it. The snake is going to shed so he won't eat until after. I should wait until after he sheds so I can go to the reptile store and the grocery store the same day instead of making two trips. I really don't want to have to go out twice in one week. I just drank the bottle of Bruit Rose, I need to get another one. You don't necessarily need it need it but I will want it so I should get one. What if my fridge goes out? It's old and I bought it refurbished so it could die at any time. What if it's full of groceries and it dies? Where am I going to put everything? How am I going to afford a new fridge right now. How am I going to get it up to the third floor? Are they even doing deliveries right now? I read a while back that refrigerators are on back order what if my fridge goes out and I can't find one. I'd like to get a slightly bigger one. What if I get one that's too big and it doesn't fit? people where constantly buying things that didn't fit through their door back when I was working in freight and I'd make fun of them in my head like who buys something for their place and doesn't measure it to make sure it'll fit? Me, my dum ass would probably do that. I really don't want to go outside today. But you haven't been outside in five days, you're just sitting here on your fat ass getting fatter. But I can't even walk very well right now so I should be resting my foot and technically there's a stay at home order so we're not supposed to be going out anyway I can just use that as an excuse. Why am I so tired! I'm always tired. I need to get cash out to pay for the tamales I ordered. I also need to eat the tamales I have to make room for the tamales I'm getting. I don't know why I keep ordering tamales. I like them for breakfast. Oh I need eggs. I still have over half a dozen but I need to get more so that I have them once these are gone. I haven't read the dam poetry books I bought two weeks ago. (I was reading almost every day and poetry books are a fast read one of the only things I like reading so I bought four thinking I'd read them really quick and they're just sitting there. I started reading two of them I don't know why I didn't just do one at a time.) Let me make a list so I know what I need at the store otherwise I'll buy a bunch of shit I already have like last time. Oh I should get cat treats and see if they like them. Whitey loved cat treats I'm sure they will too. I wonder why my raccoons aren't coming around anymore, they used to come up every night now I don't see them at all. I miss them. I forgot to take the envelope that my books came in to the trash. I guess it'll have to wait till I take out the trash next week. I'm not making a special trip to the trash for an envelope although I should because I need the exercise but walking up and down the stairs will irritate my foot and I'm not taking the dam elevator cuz that's lazy and at least 5 people got stuck in it last month, I'm not trying to get stuck in it. I need to take my wine bottles and recyclables down to my neighbor before I have so many piled up I need two trash bags again. What if I never get back to work? Maybe I should start recycling. He needs the money more than I do. I'm ok for now. But what if I don't go back to work and I'm not ok? What if I can't pay my rent? What if I get behind on my bills? Maybe I should just file bankruptcy now. I really don't want to I've been doing good since I started focusing on trying to get out of debt but it's starting to catch up to me maybe I should file now while I have some money, it costs money to file bankruptcy what if I wait too long and I don't have the money when I actually need to file. Then I fall behind on my credit cards and they repo my jeep. Can I get evicted if I fall behind on my bills even though I'm still paying my rent? I always pay my rent that's the one thing I make sure to pay first even if I can't afford to pay my credit card bills I always pay my rent. If I file bankruptcy will they know? I wonder how much weight I've gained since being laid off. I'm definitely not going to weigh myself because I really don't want to know but I wonder how much I've gained cuz I can tell I'm getting fatter. I can't even go for walks anymore how am I supposed to get exercise? This is why you should go to the store at least it's something. But then I'd also be spending money that I don't need to spend. Of course it's not going to matter how much money you have in your bank account or how may bills you have outstanding if you die from a heart attach because you were too lazy to get off the couch and get some exercise. Shit, it's already 3 o'clock, it'll be dark in an hour. I'm definitely not going to the store now the spiders will be out when it's dark! I'm kinda hungry did I eat?


That got long fast. But that really is what goes through my head when I'm trying to talk myself into going to the store. Maybe next time I'll tell you what goes through my head when I try to go to sleep. Or when I actually do leave my apartment. I often worry if my place is going to catch on fire and I won't have anywhere to live. I think about that almost every time I'm away from my apartment (also when I'm trying to go to sleep). I know it's not logical and I tell myself it's not logical. But, it's still in my head. Daily. Hourly, sometimes. All the time! When Whitey was still alive and I was still working I would freak out in my head on a daily basis at work, wondering if my apartment was going to catch on fire and she's be trapped inside or if maintenance would have to come in for an emergency and she would get out or if someone would break in and she'd get out. Every day! Like I said, I know it's not logical. But it's always in my head!

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