Lately, I keep finding myself saying, “I never envisioned myself starting over at this age,” or “I never thought I’d be here, at this age, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with the rest of life.” But, the truth is, I never actually envisioned myself at this age . . . period. I never planned this far ahead because I was hoping to not make it to this age. I didn’t care about saving for my future or planning for my future because I never saw my future. And now, here I am, drowning in debt, unemployed, during a pandemic, watching the country fall apart wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with my life; seeing as how I’m still alive.
I never thought I’d be middle-aged, unemployed, depressed, and stressed about everything, still having daily suicidal thoughts and waking up every day pissed off that I didn’t die in my sleep. I mean really, who looks ahead in their future and sees that for themselves? That in itself is depressing.
People keep telling me I need to go back to work as if I don’t already know that. I know I can’t be unemployed forever. Well, I can, but then I’d be homeless and I definitely don’t want that. But I also don’t want to go back to corporate life. I don’t want to go back to being stuck in an office five days a week, eight-plus hours a day, surrounded by people I don’t even like, at a job that I hate more than life. We put so much emphasis on working ourselves to death and I hate it! There’s more to life than just working to survive, or at least there should be. But when you think like that people automatically assume you’re a socialist freeloader who wants to live off of the government.
But that’s not the case. I don’t want to live off the government. I’d actually like to live without the government! I want to be self-sufficient. I’d love to live in a cabin on a mountain alone, away from people and surrounded by animals. But, in reality, I wouldn’t actually be able to survive completely on my own. I don’t have the life skills for that. But I wouldn’t mind living in a community away from civilization, where everyone pitched in and helped each other survive.
I don’t mean fully off the grid, because I do like technology and I’m not ready to give it up completely, at least not yet anyway. But, it can work. It does work. There are communities like that. And I’m not talking about cults! I just think we, as a country (maybe even the whole damn world), have become so selfish and greedy and money-hungry.
Most people would kill everyone in their path just so they could climb on their dead bodies and elevate themselves higher. What kind of life is that? The elite has no problem living in their own little bubble while the rest of the world is literally collapsing under them.
Over the summer, we watched as people protested for equality and were met with such brutality at the hands of the police. How many unarmed people of color were killed by the police on video, because the police felt threatened . . . by an unarmed person . . . running away?
We saw children, elderly, vets (who served this country) marching peacefully, unarmed; pepper-sprayed, tear-gassed, shot with rubber bullets, beaten, brutalized, and sometimes killed by police officers. Officers who said they felt threatened by these unarmed people, peacefully protesting for equality. Then last week, we saw a mob of armed (mostly) White people storm the capitol, practically unopposed. They were attacking the police, physically. They had weapons. The police were in imminent danger! They had every right to use force. But chose not to (for the most part)! Police officers were injured and even killed in the attack but still chose not to use pepper spray, tear gas, rubber bullets, or any kind of force like they did against the peaceful protesters last summer.
You can’t tell me White privilege doesn’t exist! You can’t tell me racism doesn’t exist! You can’t tell me inequality doesn’t exist! Not after seeing that. You can’t justify all the incidences of police brutality that have occurred against people of color after watching that!
It just proved the police DO know how to NOT use excessive force. They just pick and choose who they use it against. We all know damn well, had that mob been composed of people of any other color, they would have been met with deadly force from the beginning. The body count would have been much higher!
This country is imploding. It’s finally falling apart. People are tired of the inequality and injustice that’s been going on since it was founded. Everyone is talking about taking the country back! Both sides are screaming it! As if they ever lost it. The only people who have any right to want to take this country back are the Natives that it was stolen from, to begin with! Were supposed to be the United States! We’re supposed to be inclusive of all sides: Democrat and Republican, Liberal and Conservative, right-wing and left-wing. Yes, the powers shit back and forth but no one side is supposed to be in total control. So this whole take our country back is bullshit! Unite the fucking country!
And so this brings me back to my initial question of, “What the fuck am I going to do with my life?” Not to blow things out of proportion or be dramatic but we’re on the brink of another civil war, the economy is collapsing, we’re in a pandemic, I don’t even know how I’m still functioning as a human being. I’m constantly stressing about everything. I can’t sleep at night, I stay up until the sun comes out and when I do finally go to bed I don’t want to get back out. I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do with my life! I’m kind of just waiting to see what happens next!