Happiness is just an illusion                                      Happiness is just an illusion!

    we're all trying to find.                                               Some of us chase it down,

    Whether consciously or subconsciously,                  while others sit back

    it forever burns in our minds.                                    waiting for it to come around. 

One of the most popular questions people always like to ask each other is, "What do you want most out of life." Top five answers, in my experience: money, fame, love, a successful career, family. My answer, aside from death, was always "Happiness! I just want to be happy." Some people would say if you had one of those top five answers, you'd be happy. That's not always true. There are people who live on the street and have absolutely nothing, but they're still happy. That's what I want, not to be living on the street. But to have true happiness. Not the kind of happiness that comes from material things or other people. But the kind of happiness you find within yourself. To be truly happy no matter what you you're doing, no matter what you have, no matter where you are in life or who is in your life. But to just be happy. 

I don't think I've ever had that. At least I don't remember it. But surely I couldn't have been born depressed. . . Could I? There had to be a time when I was truly happy. A time before I knew sadness. I time before I knew pain.  Before loss. Before cynicism. Before the fake smiles. Before I built this impenetrable wall around me. It must have been long long ago, before memories began to develop. I wreck my brain trying to get back to that place. But how can you get back to a place you don't even remember. I know I had moments of happiness, brief flashes tease my mind. But even in those glimpses of content, I still longed for death. An end. A reprieve. A new beginning. 

Then someone once asked me, "Well, what would make you happy?" I didn't actually know how to answer. I mean, I thought you could just be . . . happy. I thought it was just something that either was or wasn't. I realized happiness isn't a constant. You can be happy, and then something can happen to interrupt that. But it doesn't mean it's gone forever. It doesn't mean you'll never get there again. It's not a destination you arrive at and stay. It's more of a place you visit. A place you pass through, several times throughout your life. It's an emotion. Emotions come and go and come back again. 

I've always been the latter part of the poem, waiting for something to happen instead of seeking it out.   I told myself, I just wasn't meant to be happy in this life. Probably because I'm so afraid to fail. If I don't try to be happy, then I won't be so hurt if I don't succeed. But seeing as how I've been severely depressed and suicidal my whole life, that philosophy doesn't seem to be working out to well for me now does it? I guess it's time for that dreaded thing called change! Just typing the word made my heart race. Change has always been scary for me. I'm person of structure and routine. I don't handle change very well. Even if I know deep down, it'll be good. It just scares me. New. Different. Change. It's a lot. But repeating the same cycle of failure is almost definitely worse

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