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Comparing Diseases

I know this is going to sound weird, extreme, possibly even cruel but sometimes I wish I was Bipolar. At least then I'd experience the highs and not just the lows. I'm sure anyone who's actually living with Bipolar would think I'm crazy or insensitive and most likely be offended. I know, it's not some fun happy disease. I'm well aware of that. I know how horrible the manic episodes can be. But sometimes I feel like I'd give anything to be happy, even if it is a false sense of happiness. It's sad what we'd sacrifice for happiness, or what we think might bring us happiness. Many times, we envy other people for the privileges we attribute to them, without even realizing the faults they've attributed to themselves that they're struggling with. 

We just assume because they have something we want (be it a tangible object such as money or a nice house, or a non tangible desire such as beauty or intelligence) that they automatically have it all good. Because they have that one thing we desire, everything in their life must be good. Yet we have no idea what they're struggling with. We don't even know if that one thing they have that we want is actually something that they want or appreciate. They might be so accustom to that nice house or their beauty that they take it for granted. Or maybe they desire something more or less even, maybe different.

Sometimes, we compare our struggles because we think someone else's struggle might be easier to bear than our own. When I say sometimes I wish I was Bipolar, it's not because I think Bipolar would be easier to deal with than major depression. It's just that there's an aspect to Bipolar that I'd rather deal with (or at least I say I do because I've never experienced it) and that's the mania part, the high, the ecstasy, the (false) happiness. Deep down I know it's not a disease I actually want to have. It's just that there's one aspect to it that I think might be tolerable.  

Another disease I've attributed positive qualities to is cancer. I know, that's one of the most horrible diseases there is and it kills so many people and causes so much pain and suffering and most people who have had it wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy. But there have been many times I've said to myself, "Maybe I could finally lose weight if I had cancer." And of course I feel like a horrible piece of shit as soon as I think that because seriously, who the fuck thinks like that? And I know there's those people saying, "Stop being so lazy. Exercise. Stop eating so much. Being fat is a choice." They have a point. I get that. But depression is not a choice. All the feelings and side effects that come with it are not a choice. Sometimes it takes all my energy just to do the bare minimum to survive and then I don't have it in me to exercise. 

That's the main reason I envy those with a more "productive" (for lack of a better word) disease. Maybe if I was Bipolar, the mania episodes would get me out of my apartment and make me more active. Or if I had OCD I'd keep my apartment cleaner. I guess that's where the sayings come from . . . "The grass is always greener on the other side" and "be careful what you wish for." Things aren't always what they appear to be. The person you're envying may be suffering inside. Instead of trying to obtain what someone else has or comparing yourself and your struggles to someone else's, just focus on being a better you and improving yourself. I'm working on it. I'm way better at giving advise than I am at receiving/following it. But aren't we all?   

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